LinCaya.M

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Mbabane, Hhohho, Swaziland
I am just another kid on the blog, trying to share my feelings with the world. i write about anything that comes to mind. Life has so much to give and too many lessons to teach. We learn, note & get inspired...NO POLITICS HERE SORRY!!!

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Partnership contract: The modern world of marriage

It is amazing how time flies and the world changes so fast. Not so long ago the African nation took pride in its culture and letting the man lead in anything and everything. The place of the women was in the kitchen or house while the man hustled, read newspapers and watched news later on. We really did not care about being house wives and we did not even think there was anything called an estate to share or a will to be crafted for just in case situations. All we cared about was our children, husband and homes.
This little arrangement got everyone comfortable, no one saw the changes coming. In the early 80s the trend still continued, men were serious about education and being soul providers. The minority had started questioning how things worked but could not influence the world. Men respected women, however, being aware of the power they possessed they gave them the opportunity to protect their homes and the husbands knew they would rely on them. Sex was never a problem; I am not sure whether the sex drive was low or people avoided the subject. Those were the best times to live in, the generation was more content and satisfied. Do not get me wrong but we all know the last sound generation ended in the 80s.
Now, as times changed we were introduced to the other side of the coin; Marriage out of community of property. This type of marriage has been there for years but no one cared how it worked. This generation knows everything and it started scrutinizing and itemizing things. We started asking why? We seemed to be bothered by the fact that all items are shared and split equally. What if I put in more than he did? Why should we share equally.? Women started realizing that chores can be shared and the kitchen was not their place anymore. They fought for their rights, only heaven knows what those are. We realised that education was possible for all genders and we equipped ourselves focusing more on the girl child or women.
Education brings about changes that no one has ever thought of. Education is not wisdom but it enlightens our minds and triggers our thinking capacity. Men started recognising that women were now leading in the education area and there was no backing down. Little did they know that the women have more information and their thinking has changed. Relationships were now a partnership unlike in the past where the man was the chairperson, vice-chairperson, treasurer and member in the union with no assistance. Marriages are treated like a business there must be a partnership contract stipulating all shared chores; who washes the dishes and when. Men did not see this one coming. They paid too much attention on power and neglected a part of them. Now they realise they have been beaten and there is no going back because the trend is continuing to the next generation.
The women claim the pre- and post- marital and civil partnership agreement acts as protection for their investments in relationships. They have learnt from the best. Some divorce settlement end well, some do not. If you are not married, you end up losing everything to a man because of the power he has and the financial muscle. The revolving world and vulnerability has taught us to open our eyes and ears. We are submissive and we love in our own different way. I can brew my own coffee without feeling guilty that I did not offer my partner a cup, he has to do it himself because I am also tired from work.
“We love our partners but can we also have security, something that will address us in all our entirety.” That is the voice of a worn out women. Who has had struggles in life, learnt from the past and originated an insurance for herself in fear of the worst.

Monday, 6 June 2016

I am still hanging in there

You never said life will be easy at the same time you never said I will come face to face with such hardships. You never told me love would hurt this much but you said we must love one another as you have loved us. You have given us a manual to navigate through life but you have not indicated the corners or “Danger lies ahead” signs. You said I should call on you and you will answer. The problem is you never told me how long it takes for you to answer to my requests, you just said I should call on you and tell you how I am coping.

You said in everything I must give thanks but how am I going to give thanks when the world is shutting me out. My voice is not heard, sometimes I wonder if you hear me calling out to you. You said you will bless the work of my hands and whatever I lay my hands on shall prosper. I am looking at my hands and asking myself if I am doing enough, have I planted the wrong seeds. The mine that I am running reaps only raw stones instead of gold and rubies. Besides, I have to work twice as hard to get to the core, only to find valueless stones.   

You said I should obey my parents so that it may go well with me and that I may live longer on earth. I am honouring my parents, they are happy with me. I want to live longer so I try to do good. Family after all, is all I have, they support and cheer me on in whatever I do. Is that the reason why you advised against going astray?

Then again, allow me to do an introspection.  Have I played my part as it is required of me? Am I worthy to question your wisdom?

We all have a role to play in this life before we start pointing fingers and mentioning that we have been compromised. Everything has been given unto us and we have acquired skills and thinking capacity to tackle whatever comes across. Each obstacle that come we are given power or the “hunch” that we are doomed for failure but we choose to press on.  The basic rules of life that we choose to disregard are our guide through life. How do you treat people? How do you respond to advice? How do you handle yourself? How do you perceive and think of yourself?

In the world that we live in, we are so concerned with good things coming our way but we do not want to work hard. We prefer short cuts. That is why we live in a world filled with bribery, scams and fraud. We are enriching ourselves with false knowledge. There is a saying that whatever comes cheap you will lose sooner than you think, because it has no value, you have not worked hard enough to earn it. Are we planting seeds of love in the world or planting thorny trees that will grow to haunt us in the future. The seeds that we are planting today will grow at the time when we have forgotten our actions and we will question the world.

What have we done to deserve the promised land with all the riches we have in our minds. Have we fought a fair fight or we have robbed the hand that feeds us? Can we honestly say we have been compromised?


I want to live in a world that has no fear, corruption and slavery. I want to create my own world of happiness and fair play.  However, if I create my own world without you in it, then my world will fall apart because it will have no foundation, light, guidance, companionship and friendship. I am still hanging in there, waiting for that one day when I will be content with the works of my hands and there will be no back stabbing. 

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Dear Lord He’s gay

The alarm woke me up this morning in the middle of a beautiful dream. I was pregnant and in a happy relationship. I woke up with a smile and hallucinated for a second there. While I was enjoying the moment I was distracted by the crazy memories of the gay man I dated unknowingly and how sweet love turn into a mystery.

He was a good looking fitness freak and had swag. He was everything I was looking for in a man and was loving. When we met I was from a bad relationship and had decided to date again. Meeting him at a friend’s birthday, I was looking forward to love again. He introduced me to one of his good friends to interrogate me and ask me if I’m employed and what I am looking for in a man, you know how these things go. I was so confident that I had met my match and someone who loves deeply.

There were no signs of him being gay or being bisexual. He would hold me and kiss me, we would go out together and it felt so good. We would dance and laugh together with his friends, everything was gorgeous. There was no sexual contact in the relationship so I never got to see what happens there. One time after a rough night, one of his friends approached me and asked how we were doing, “we doing fine thanks” that’s me responding to the question. He went on to mention how we would never bond with his friend the way any couple would and that he was not into me the way I thought. He felt he should share with me before I got attached and be hurt in the process. I kind of thought the friend was jealous because he was single and maybe wanted me for himself.

Coincidentally, that night I thought we would do more than just kiss, you know what I mean. We had been abstaining for some time and I felt I needed to get some. I invited him over to my house instead, we had some wine, watched a movie and then one thing led to another. “This is not working out” he said, I asked why and he told me he has no idea but he is not getting any response from his man maybe we should try something else. In my mind, I am thinking it must be the wine or something. I did not ask what he wanted to try because I feared the worst. So it did not work out for me, he was just not responding at all. From that day the kisses, laughter and dances started being awkward. We had more silent moments that telling stories. The night outs ended up being his friend & I gossiping and I would end up with more information on my relationship.

My eyes were opened and I would even see friends I knew in media circles whispering and it would reach my ears. One friend asked how I was coping because the guy I was with was gay. I just did not want to believe my ears or the rumors doing rounds. It was so shocking I did not even have the energy to ask him if it was true. The words of his friend started playing through my head and I just had to ask him why he said we would never bond with him, he was not into me. He could not give me a straight answer but asked me how our relationship was sexually, that question made me lose my breath. I asked myself if the brother was hoping to heal himself off or he wanted a confirmation of his status. I could not understand why he behaved the way he did. I have so many gay friends, they act girly but him, he was too damn straight for me to even suspect foul play.

I had no energy for the relationship, we grew apart and I had to forget the crazy moments I had with him. Sometimes I convince myself that he did not want to be known he was gay, he preferred being surrounded by gorgeous women instead. There is no problem with being gay, we live in a world where no one cares really what people are doing.

There are things that we enjoy in a relationship but I do not think I would have enjoy being cheated on with a man. My joys turned into sorrows, twice beaten in a short space of time. I was blinded by the love and did not see the tiny signs around me. Love is sweet when given in all honesty.

My Opinion: Independency is everything.

I am one lady who supports women independency and power, not that I have been in one of those bad relationships, no. OK! Maybe just a little. It saddens me to see women still being dependent. I salute this great Female Chief, Theresa Kachindamoto of Malawi who annulled 850 child marriages. These young girls were sent back to school to continue with their education. If I had millions I would really be happy to support this good initiative.

This brings me back to my community of grown up ladies who are looking for “blessers,” my advice to you “BLESS YOURSELF.” How different are you from the helpless child who is sent to marry a wealthy man so that the family can benefit? Your beauty and other “assets” are powerful and precious, unfortunately they do not have any second chances.

I was talking to a colleague who had been stood up by her man. She was angry and said all sort of things. “I can buy my own car, it’s not like I can’t afford,” she said. Her statement confused me because she chose to depend on his ride to work and back to the house. Yet here we are, looking at the time, every second. We get so angry at our partners for chasing success and we forget about the individuality part. Thing is, we tend to depend on our men most of the time like they are our “Jesus.” I am sure most men reading this are like “this lady must have been through some hell.” It gives me so much joy to achieve things on my own and celebrate them with my loved ones, support from partner is appreciated.

I do not understand why I have to wait for someone to pick me up or depend on for silly things like sanitary towels or bread. Another very good example is Olajumoke Orisaguna, the Nigerian Agege Bread seller now turned model, she is making thousands. I may not have followed the story very well but I noticed she had a husband later on but she decided to sell bread to support her family and not depend on the poor man. I have been preaching independency for some time now to my friends and I have been living every verse I preach when it comes to that.

So this is the deal or my experience. The time you make people feel like you are depending on them for every little item, they feel like they have so much power over you. You must have a plan as a lady and not appear desperate or needy. Be your own boss, know you got your own back before someone steps in, be confident and know every decision you take is right. People come into our lives for a reason and that reason is not to be “blessers.”

6 Things That Happen When You Are The Female Breadwinner

I truly relate to this article and i just had to share it here with you guys. The article is written  by Meenah of Nigeria. read on:

The recent saga between Tiwa Savage and Tunji ‘Teeblizz’ Balogun moved me to tears, and not because I give a crap about them as a couple. I mean, I do, because I am a big fan of hers, but that is not enough to send me bawling like a baby. Why was I so affected then? Because I see my marriage in hers. I see the signs of an imminent divorce, or even worse, resentment and depression. I am a Nigerian wife and the breadwinner in my home.
Let me begin by saying, this was never in my plans. I worked my behind off as a student and as an employee so that someday, I will be an asset to my husband and be able to financially contribute to raising my kids. I did not set out to be some super breadwinner to make a point or begin a revolution. I am going to break my story down into bits so you can understand it much better.
Here are 6 things that happen when you are the one that brings home the bacon, fry it, serve it, while wearing the pants.
You feel guilty
It sounds ridiculous, right? Men are mostly the breadwinners and this comes with a feeling of pride. But when women do it (or maybe this is just my case) I feel a little guilty. I walk on eggshells around his ego. Whenever he comes home talking about how bad things are for him, I cannot share my success. I feel bad for even being glad about by success. I hold him and encourage him while I clamp down my joy. I feel guilty when I can afford things and he can’t. I feel guilty when we go on dates and I pay. I feel guilty when I have to send money to his siblings in school because he can’t and they expect him to. It really is a lot of guilt and I can see how this can ruin a marriage.
You are alone
I know absolutely no one in my situation, and no one knows about my situation. Nigeria isn’t teeming with female breadwinners. My friends are mostly being completely taken care of by their men. I know only one mother who splits with her man 50/50 and I consider her the one that is more likely to understand me. But she complains so much about her husband not being able to support them fully that I am sure her jaw will fall of her face if she hears my story. So, I am alone. I cannot talk to my parents because that would hurt my husband. I have had two kids via C-section and I paid from my pocket both times. I had to send money to his account beforehand so he can ‘be the man’ and pay the bills. Basically, it is just me and myself. I literally talk to myself about these challenges and try to convince myself we are doing the best we can.
You doubt his ambition
I have asked myself if he is simply lazy or going through a rough patch. We have been married over two years and this is seeming like an extremely long ‘rough patch.’ I have an older child who is about to begin school in September, so I know that the bills will escalate. I am now attending a baking school on nights and weekend so I can bake part time and potentially make more. Meanwhile, he is in Real Estate and he only gets money when he gets clients. He often leaves home at 12 noon. I have asked him that since he has so much time, couldn’t he do something on the side? He says he is doing what he studied in school and he does not know of any other way to bring in money. I know if I push it, he will either flip or sulk, so we leave it. I often wonder if he is simply unambitious or if I am asking for too much.
You cannot have a fight
So, the husband has this habit of coming home very late at nights, (past midnight most nights) and I am not a big fan. I worry about him and I try to get him to cut back. He promised to, but he did not stop. One day, we got into a fight over it because he came in at 1:00am and I could not reach him for hours because his phone was off. During the argument, he yelled that I am trying to control him because I paid the bills. Now, what do you think is the best response to that? I simply kept quiet and went to bed. My point is, fighting is hard with someone who thinks he is being taken advantage of. So there are a LOT of things I let slide, to keep the peace. Now, can you see how this can be damaging?
You are waiting for an explosion
Teebillz called Tiwa’s mother a witch holding him down. This resonates with me for some reason. Between when my husband and I met till now, I have been promoted three times and had my salary go up four times. He has been in basically the same place, or even worse. I just got a loan to start a side business and I am so terrified that if that becomes extremely successful, he will explode. Heck, this is Nigeria, he can say he met me and I took his star, or is it shine? Just picture being in a partnership where you are too scared to be successful. He had once blown up because I bought our son a bicycle without consulting him. He says I show off what I have to make him feel bad and guilt him. I was stumped. Now I am stuck being in one place because I fear that moving forward will completely ruin us.
You have no idea what your responsibilities are
Before I had enough and had to hire help, I did it all. I worked 8 to 5, I cooked, cleaned, woke up with the baby a dozen times at night even though I had to be up by 5am. I even did all this while 9 months pregnant. I sometimes ask for help, but I try not to ask too much, because, ego. The society expect things from me and my family has a whole different set of expectations. Sometimes, to get through the day, I imagine I am a single mother. This way, I feel empowered, not exhausted. What are my options, ask him to cook? Clean? Go out and make money? Imagine the complications.
You do not know when to be grateful
One morning, few months ago, the baby started crying at 1 am. I was about to get up and he told me not to worry. He got up and got her back to sleep. He did it just the once and never did it again. I did mumble a ‘thank you’ and went back to bed that morning but evidently he expected more. A week after that, we were having a discussion (or was it an argument?) where he mentioned the fact that  I was never grateful for what he does for me. I asked for an example and he talked about waking up with the baby that morning. I said I appreciated it and he said that it was not enough.  He claimed I acted like it was no big deal. Honestly, I do think he was right. I did not consider it a big deal. I felt it was the least he could do.  But when he did not do it again, I did not bring it up. He has probably done a couple other things I do not notice because a part of me felt he should be doing more. This might be all me, but it is very clear how bad a person will feel if he is not appreciated.
Do not get me wrong, I love my husband, but it is very clear that the deck is stacked against the Nigerian woman who wants to do it all. I constantly pray for things to get better for him, not because we get more money, but things NEED to be better for our marriage to survive. We literally need him to achieve some level of success, or our marriage will die, due to all the resentment, insecurity, anger and pain.
If any of you women out there are doing this and rocking it, I pay a very huge respect. If you are considering this, make sure you are absolutely ready.  For a Nigerian woman to be the breadwinner, she needs some form of superhuman strength and patience.

http://thenakedconvos.com/6-things-happen-female-breadwinner-nigerian-home/

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

The dangerous Mehlwabovu Mountain


video
For the first time today, the name of the mountain got my attention. It’s not like the mountain just appeared today but it has been there for centuries and I have had a few nice trips enjoying the curves and the steepness.

The name “Mehlwabovu/ Mehlo labovu” means red eyes, “Mehlo” meaning “Eyes” and “bovu”meaing “Red.” If you search for what the “Red Eye” symbolises, this is what comes out; Demonic, Weeping, Fury. I concluded that we really follow our names, if that makes any sense. If you can ask any afircan what their names mean they will tell you the stories behind.
Anyway, today I had the privilege to drive up this hill to deliver documents for some of our Board Members who stayed far from my city which is approximately, 1hr 30mins. I said a short prayer when leaving the house because this hill scares the devil out of me. I took along my jazz compilation to play in the car. The road is nice flat and wavy, I enjoyed the drive and I made a stop for sweet potatoes along the way since the region is famous for that. However, the terrain did not allow speeding because of the cattle grazing on the road side so I had to be careful. Reaching my destination on time was key.

I found my way to the Small Nhlangano Town and tried to follow road signs since I did not know much about the town. I noticed a kfc:) ..much better.. I called the Manager of our Regional office for directions and I drove straight to where they are based. I called a few friends to meet and greet before I headed back to Mbabane. I had to take a break from the driving, my feet were cramping. After a chat with my friends, who delayed my drive back and warned me of my speeding habits, I decided to drive back this time reducing my speed. I was enjoying the view, taking pictures and short videos along the way.








When I was about to drive down Mehlwabovu, I reduced speed to 60kms and I decided to film the mountain to share on my Instagram and facebook. Little did I know, as I was driving down still video recording I noticed smoke coming out from the bush. I drove closer, a horse & trailer overturned blocking the whole road burying the driver and a passenger underneath it in a ditch. I was the 3rd car on the scene and I found people trying to pull out the two men. The truck was already on fire and it was carrying what looked like folded packs of boxes. The good Samaritans managed to pull out the passenger, he looked unhurt but he was crying and screaming for help for the driver. The persistent flames and the landing position of the truck made it impossible to retrieve the driver. The men on the scene tried to help but only the legs were showing outside with the rest of the body trapped. The flames were doubled and followed by a loud burst, I could not take it anymore. I cried and left the accident scene, there were no fire personnel or police officers on site when I left.


I could not believe what I saw. The passenger lay on the road so helpless and short of breath. It was my first time to see such an accident. The driver experienced hell on earth, dying in such a terrible way and the pain of being burnt alive while you feel everything. I convince myself that he was already dead when they attempted to pull him out so he did not feel the pain or the flames. I am in total shock as I am writing this I can’t even sleep, the thoughts run through my head. No one deserves to die in such a terrible manner. The mountain has been famous for these type of accidents.

The mountain is really filled with fury, crushing and burning innocent souls. The person who named this mountain must have lost loved ones to it but why curse it. The mountain is very dangerous, we say our prayers everyday whenever we drive up or down the hills.

May he find rest and his family internal peace.



Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Hello March

Hi everybody,

I have decided to participate on the 28 days challenge for weight loss. Who is with me on this?

We are working on fitness, its March. Lets eat healthy. My waist trainer and sneakers are ready.

Lets do this. I hope i keep up with the rest of the world.

Friday, 19 February 2016

Lesson for today: Ladies buy your own cars and stop depending on your man (for everything)


Raise your hands if you’ve been stood up?
                                                                                          1..2…5…ahem…yeah I see those hands now!!
Has it ever occurred to you that he got some other things to do or some business to take care of…if he is driving your car please check on the next blog, this aint for you girl!!!
If he ain’t got some other business on the side, did you ever think that he might be under pressure at work? to finish a certain project maybe, so he might need to work late…and yet here we are, looking at the time every second of the tick…”did he forget me? Or no he di’nt.” We get so angry and forget about the individuality part.
Well, back to my english now hahaha…thing is, we tend to depend on our men most of the time like they are our “Jesus.” I am one lady who supports women independency and power not that I have been in one of those relationships noooooo. I am sure most men who read my blog are like “this bitch must have been through some hell” excuse my Spanish but noooo or maybe just a lil’ bit. Here I’m backing up men so you better understand my thinking. Ever since my youth, (no wonder I am still not married) school & college days my dad would drop me at the door and pick me up later. Working days, I relied on cabs or public transport then I bought my own car.
My dad is a slow person naturally but he is fond of me very much ( I’m the first girl). Whatever he did he made sure he was on time but for me, a lil late like 5 minutes late. I’m always on time, everything I do is always on the dot if not seconds earlier. I learnt to practise patients although it would wear out some times, I would be really mad. He would apologise and give me that, I ended up smiling so he would not feel bad.
My youth days taught me so much that I focused so badly on being independent. When I was in college I would get R10 for the whole fuckin week…there would be no more. My background tuned my mind into working hard to earn money and depending on myself for any other items I needed. My mum has been there taking care of us as the house wife and also instilled strong values and principles…settling for less is really not an option.
So now you know my background..back to us… I do not understand why I have to wait for someone to pick me up or depend on for silly things as sanitary towels. I have been preaching independency for some time now to my friends and I have been leaving every verse I preach…except one....your man visiting for too long or overstaying his welcome. You gotta have your own transport, it can be from friends or whatever I don’t care, make a plan.
So this is the deal or my experience. The time your man feels like you are depending on him for every lil’ item, he feels like …no correcting, he has so much power over you. Example, you go ask for bread money, silly as that. … he doesn’t have/ doesn’t give you, what do you do;
1.      Get angry..
2.      You heart goes on about all your exes…how they gave you money and all that..
3.      You don’t talk to him..
4.      …and he irritates you trying to find out what’s wrong when he knows for sure it’s the bread issue..
Hahaha…forgive me for laughing but seriously is that what it is…get your stuff together and earn some respect, even Dr Phil agrees with me now. What is wrong with you, putting men in the centre of your life and dreams, those are your own, just live.
1.      Make sure you got some of your needs ( so he doesn’t pay for your cologne)
2.      Buy your own car or hitch a ride from friends.
3.      Be your own boss.
4.      Know you always got your own back.
Point 4. For example, if you go out on that date make sure you got a rand/ dollar/whatever for your own PLATE (drink & meal). If he chickens out, fool pay for your own meal and let him clean the darn restaurant for all you/I care.
Not in a bad way but my pretty ladies. You may not realise this but you are so powerful. You can get or have anything you want in this world ( I didn’t say, use our dear fellows but ;) you get the idea right?)
You can be anything you want to be;
Whether you are; a waitress, cleaner, janitor, messenger, receptionist…I AM TELLING YOU, you can be anything you want to be. I was a receptionist, I am still working my way to the top…you can be anything you want to be.
MAY I BE YOUR INSPIRATION? Just this one time. Be stubborn, like me and go for what you believe in or want…it works.
I love you all, including you, yes Wena (you)!